I have a novelty song problem.

The Words:

Well the Outlaws of Old, they were famous, they were bold.
They all obtained the famousest of fame.
But the famousest of names in the Outlaw Hall of Fame
Was the famous name of a guy by the name of Jesse James.

Now Jesse James was born on a war-torn, forlorn morn
In the abject, lonesome state of Mis-sou-ree,
Where, as might have been expected, he was adversely affected
By the awful, gruesome things that he did see.

So, like, one time, for example, they trampled on his grample,
And they tried to hang his grammle from a tree.
And if you had seen his mama that alone had been a trauma
And he prob’ly could have used some therapee.

Now from such a horrid start, he went to swillin straight Bacardi,
And whene’er he was to parties he was rude.
He gave everyone a hassle by behaving like an asshole.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.

Screwed up dude. Screwed up dude.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.
He probably had rabies and he bullied little babies.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.

So he joined a group of haters by the name of Quantrell’s Raiders.
They was famous mutilators in the land.
They just rode around on horses, sore abusing all their forces,
Having fun and amputating people’s hands.

Oh but when that war was over, Jesse sat down to discover
What might be the skills and assets he’d acrued.
“Of such things you’ve not an ounce, sir,”
Said the local high-school counselor,
“Jesse James, youre’ a real screwed up dude.”

Screwed up dude. Screwed up dude.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.
No, he couldn’t get a boot in, ‘cept for lootin and for shootin.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.

But there was this famous writer, a professional benighter
And inciter of the feckless multitude.
He corrupted public mores with exaggerated stories
Of the glories of this sorely screwed up dude.

You see, they had this strange obession with insolent transgression
Since their late bid for secession went to seed.
They desired a concrescence of their violated essence,
Which they found in Jesse’s grim and lawless deeds.

So all the people gave him thanks when he robbed their stupid banks
And abolished all the value they’d construed.
He was a pure instantiation of social alienation,
Better known as a truly screwed up dude.

Screwed up dude. Screwed up dude.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.
Although he never did get busted, he was awful maladjusted.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.

Screwed up dude. Screwed up dude.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.
He gave everyone a hassle by behaving like an asshole.
Jesse James was a real screwed up dude.